MOVED...

OK, so if anyone reads this, I am now at LiveJournal.com and my user name is CometJakes So if oyu are over there add me as a friend, cause my blog will be there from now on

Bad Day

You know those days that start out not so great and by the end of them it's just terrible? Yeah I had one of those today. Actually, I havent had a day this bad in a very long time, so of course I handled it gracefully. If you consider me sobbing hysterically and freaking out graceful!

I'm just glad that I had two very good friends that helped me through today. One of them was having a prety crappy day as well, but still he listened to me vent and ramble on, til I got to the point that I could deal with things and it was okay. My other friend is so much like me that it isn't even funny. Basically I am going through some health issues right now, nothing too serious yet, but it's important that I follow doctors orders and take care of myself. She threatened me that if I didnt she would come down here and take care of me herself LOL. And you know, I seriously believe she would.

The bottom line is that true friends are hard to come by in this world, so when you find them, be loyal, don't let them go, because you never know when they truly will be your rock, the one thing that gets you through that day that you are a sobbing hysterical mess.

Signing off for now, just had to thank them

CJ

The Real Me

So, I was reading apost on one of the fourms I visit this afternoon, and some of the other posts people have posted recently regarding body issues, and this got me thinking...

So, I am sharing some of my thoughts... it may be a bit long, cause once I started typing I couldnt stop LOL

I'm pretty happy with my progress so far, but still I have issues about it. Before surgery I was pretty much just round with a huge ass... and now I have a much smaller butt and actually have love handles. So while I am happy about my weight loss and the ability to buy smaller clothes, it's still freaking me out a bit because I have some flab/excess skin and I have to actually pay attention when I buy clothes now.

I've always been negative when it comes to myself. Since surgery, I have really had to fight to be positive. It has gotten easier, but still I have days where I just feel fat and like I havent made any progress at all.... But, even though I have some not so positive thoughts, for the most part I am happy, ecstatic even. This journey for me has been so much more than just losing weight. It's been about discovering who I really am, and learning to love myself, and live for me, not everyone else. This post really got me thinking about the old me, the person trapped inside that body, versus the person I am becoming, the new me, or as I like to think, the person I was always afraid of being. I spent so many years being at the beck and call of other people, never thinking I was good enough, and that is changing now, in some areas faster than others, but this is what I am starting to realize:

The real me likes to have his picture taken

The real me enjoys shopping and actually likes fashion. I spent so much time buying stuff that just fit, not really caring how it looked, cause why did it matter? Now I try to buy clothing that accents my positives, minimizes the not so great parts (like the love handles)

The real me loves to dance, whether it be in a crowded club or around the house on a Monday morning in my underwear.

The real me loves the outdoors, and actually enjoys hiking and spending the day just forgetting the world

The real me sometimes thinks he is hot and sexy, and doesnt instantly point out his flaws to himself

The real me realizes that it's ok to put myself first, and it doesnt make me selfish, just aware that I am a strong person and people shouldnt be allowed to walk all over me.

The real me doesnt need to hide behind a ton of hair. I actually like the way I look with a buzzed head much better than all the spikey mess I had for so many years

The real me isnt afraid to talk to complete strangers, because you never know if that complete stranger was meant to be a close friend or the love of your life

The real me is intelligent, funny, simple, complicated, strong, sensitive, loud at times, quiet at others, adventurous, curious

The real me appreciates where I have come from, but is not willing to live in the shadows of my past decisions

The real me has issues, like we all do. He gets sad and lonely and tries to make the most of it, because it eventually passes

The real me is artistic and creative and realizes that spending the afternoon drawing is not a waste of time

The real me thinks a lot, and that isnt a bad thing

the real me sometimes spends a day playing video games and doesnt feel guilty for doing it

The real me is incredibly talented and has proved himself to get where he is in his career

The real me loves to be organized yet isn't afraid of being spontaneous

the real me is loyal and values his friendships

The real me isn't invincible, and knows he is not Superman, and cannot be everything to everybody else. the important thing is to love myself and be the best that I can be... for me

I just found out that I can blog from my blackberry!!!!! This really excites me actually because now if I have a thought for a blog post, I don't have to wait until I get near my computer!!!

So, tonight has been interesting. I had planned to curl up with a book and get to bed early, but that so did not happen. My brother called, and we got to talking. He started opening up about his addiction issues, and I tried to be supportive and non-judgemental. By the way, it is really hard to not be judgemental when somebody you love is throwing their life away. I seriously hope that he finds it within himself to change. He has to WANT to kick the habit, and nobody is going to make him change. So in the meantime I just try to be supportive and pray that he gets through this.

After I got off of the phone, I was kinda wound up so - cleaned my floors. Now I have super clean floors again lol. I think it wore me out enough so that I can get some sleep. Until later

CJ. (Blogging from my crackberry LOL)
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

The World Spins Madly On...

Well, it has been a week since I have posted here, but things have been kinda hectic lately. Rather than run through my entire week, I will just go over the highlights LOL

*Have become friends with this really awesome guy, one of the sweetest men I have ever met. He's also sexy as hell, and lives on the other side of the country, but stilll... it's been awesome getting to know him.

* Spent last weekend in Phoenix visiting friends. It was a very relaxing weekend, gave me a chance to just chill out, and had some really great conversations with both of them, so it was definitely a great trip!

*Been dealing with work issues and some health stuff, but it will be okay, it always is!

*My brother is off the wagon again. Honestly it doesnt surprise me, and all I can realy do is be there for him and try to be a supportive brother. We all have our demons, and I hope he conquers his.

*Have done pretty good with working out lately, and am happy with my progress thus far

*Hit a milestone by reaching 250 lbs. I'm shocked and amazed, but ready to treach my next goal, which is to be under 200!

*reconnected with an old friend yesterday. She is going through some stuff right now, but it felt rally good to hang out with her, almost like it used to be.

So that is my week in a nutshell. It's been full of good and not so good, but I am staying positive and remembering that it does not pay to be stressed out all the time. It's not good for the body or the soul, so I am working on it.

On the agenda for this weekend is a night at home with a friend, then tomorrow night I'm hanging out with hot gym guy (whose name is Aiden) and then on Sunday it will be a day of hiking. All in all a relaxing and boring weekend, but I welcome it with open arms. Now, time for me to get a nap before I start dinner....

CJ

Fearless

(Trust me this picture has a point... just follow me here LOL) Or if you are impatient, go to the 3rd paragraph!

If you have been to my blog before, then you will notice that it probably looks a little different. There are a couple of reasons why. Before it was REALLY dark and depressing, and honestly I don't want to be surrounded by that. I want my blog to be light and happy, well to a point at least. So, that is why the colors are different. I also wanted to put more stuff about me up, so now my profile is actually filled out. It's kinda funny, but since losing weight, I don't feel the need to hide as much anymore, and I find myself doing things that I never thought I would do before.

I've met this guy recently, and I am surprised at how I am behaving around him. It's like the old me isnt even there anymore, and I have been replaced by the new Improved version of ME... a me that is confident, goes after what he wants, and isnt afraid to be himself. Now old me is still trying to get used to new me, but so far it is a good thing. And I really hope that last paragraph made sense to somebody else, cause it worked in my head LOL

I guess my point is that Life is for living. A life lived in fear is a life half lived, and how many of us have spent so much of our lives living in fear of some sort. I'm not talking about fear of the dark or snakes or whatever, but fear of stepping beyond our comfort zone? Fear of being who we always thought we were born to be? I recently heard a comment in an article from the singer Taylor Swift. She said something along the lines of "Being fearless doesn't mean that you arent' afraid... it means that you are afraid but yet you do it anyway." That's something that I have thought a lot about lately. Was I scared to strike up a conversation with this guy? yeah, I was, but I did it anyway. Don't you think at least ONE of the guys in that picture above were scared to be doing that? But yet they got past the fear and did it. That, my friends is being Fearless.

I actually didnt intend this post to be more than me babbling about how I went to bed at 9pm and couldnt sleep so woke up at 12:30am LOL But sometimes, I guess things need to be said, and so for tonight, this is what I had to say... Be Fearless, and live life, don't let it live you

CJ

Chorus (Fishes in the Sea)

So my weekend basically sucked. I had planned to go to Mexico with my cousin, to visit some family, but of course she flaked out on me, as usual. So I stayed home all weekend and got fairly depressed, just moping around. The good thing is that I spent some time organizing the house, getting rid of some stuff that I just dont need anymore. So now my home is pretty much in order, and that is a good feeling.

Today (Monday) was a much better day. i woke up kind of cranky, but my day improved. I recieved several compliments, that were the total ego boost that my confidence needed. lately people have been telling me that I am cute, even hot, and it's starting to get to me, where I just might believe them. I'm no George Clooney, but honestly I am fairly decent looking now, and the outside is starting to match who I am inside, or at least who I am becoming.

I spent most of the day doing stuff for work, catching up on emails and ironing out details for the party celebrating the launch of our new game. I swear, there are some total idiots that work with me. The newly appointed head of special events in our PR department is a MORON!!!! She emailed me the text for the invitations, and it was a trainwreck. The spelling mistakes were bad enough, but she used the word launch in some form EIGHT times... 8... in a short paragraph. So after I picked up my jaw from the ground, I went on a rampage... then I started laughing hysterically, because seriously I think that a 5 year old could have done better in this case. Oh well, I fixed the text and now it is professional and legible, and won't make our company look like a bunch of asses. As for idiot PR girl? Let's just say she starts her new position of being an assistant again VERY soon!

I talked to my bro today, and he seems to be doing great. Honestly, for a while I was scared that I was going to lose him as well. But he has been clean and sober for almost 2 months, and I hope that this is the time that it sticks for him. I am planning on seeing him next month, when I have to go up to his city for a work assignment.

Tonight I was gonna sit at home and catch up on my DVR, but decided to go out instead. I am actually glad I did. I met this new guy that seems really cool. I may hang out with him again, dunno yet. I'm not gonna stress over it, if he calls and wants to hang out, then cool, I had fun with him and would do it again. If not, then oh well, plenty of fish in the see and all that jazz.

Well it is now after 3am, I just got home, and I seriously need to get some sleep. I took an ambien to assure that i will get more than 3 hours tonight, so lets see what time I finally wake up LOL

CJ

I'm too sexy...

Last week I was up in the middle of the night and did some online shopping. The only problem with this is this week when the stuff I bought came, i had already forgotten most of what I had ordered, since I was kinda half asleep when I placed the order. Well I opened the packages, and had ordered SIXTEEN pairs of underwear. Yeah I know, a little overkill, but c'mon they were cute! Anyways thought I would post pics of a couple of them so you could see why i went on a nutso underwear shopping spree... ( and no the guys did not come with the underwear LOL)

So that's some of what I bought, along with some other clothes.

In other news, the game I was working on for work has been stalled. Basically what it means is that I have very little to do for work in the next 3 months, but I still get paid my salary anywas. So, I'm pretty much on vacation, which is kind of a cool thing anyways. I think I am going to take this time and just hang out with friends and stuff, and get to know myself better. It has been a crazy ride lately, and I have been through so many changes, that I need to just sit back and absorb it all...

CJ

Boys Don't Cry...

Dating. The mere mention of the word causes a physical reaction in some people, and I have often wondered why. Is it because you are putting yourself out there, revealing yourself (at least somewhat) to a person that you barely know? Or is it that feeling that maybe this one will be THE ONE? Maybe a lot of us are scared of dating because it is a risk. Think about it... you go out with a person who in most cases you barely know, and you try to get to know them better. If you are anything like I am, you don't just jump into bed with them (well most of the time). You tell them about yourself, ask them about themselves, and hope that they don't bore you to death, and that you don't annoy the hell out of them. Sometimes you get lucky and find that person that fits the bill, but in most cases, dating just sucks.

Needless to say, my date earlier did not go as perfect as one might have hoped. True, Ryan is gorgeous, intelligent, and pre-med, and will make somebody very happy one day. Unfortunately, that person is not me, because you see, there is one tiny problem... Ryan is also the most boring conversationalist that i have ever come across. Now I realize that a lot of this has to do with me. I really have no interest in medicine the way he does, and I am not sure I even know what the hell lacross is, but those were the main things he wanted to talk about. He isnt THE ONE, which I really already knew, partially because he is only 19 years old (I know, don't even say it!), and also because I deserve to be with somebody that wants me for me, that can appreciate the great qualities that i am sure i have somewhere.

And just in case anyone is wondering, no I didn't come home and drown myself in terribly bad for me food, I just came home and relaxed, listened to music, and read some. I'm fine that the date didnt work out, and it doesnt mean I am going to quit trying. Life is great right now, and I don't NEED somebody, but sometimes, it would be nice to have somebody. So to those lucky enough to be in love with somebody that loves them back, cherish it, because it doesnt happen everyday, and I should know.

Now I am off to finish my book and fall asleep.

CJ

A Question of Lust

So remember the other day I talked about the hot Starbucks guy totally hitting on me? Well this morning as I was getting my Sugar Free Nonfat Iced caramel machiatto with no caramel or whipped cream, he asked me out! So, in about 30 minutes I will be heading out to the movies, and we will see how it goes. I spent a half hour trying on clothes, trying to find the perfect outfit... and then settled on jeans and a t shirt LOL

Well yesterday I hung out with some friends in another city, which was very cool. Have you ever hung out with people and you are talking and the next thing you know, several hours have passed? well that's how it was last night for me. By the time I left it was after midnight, and I had a 75 minute drive ahead of me. But I made it home safe and sound and fell asleep early for me, before 3am :D I would do it all again in a heartbeat though, because they are a very cool couple that are both a lot like me, in different ways.

And in response to an email I got from my friend Chloe, the titles of my blogs are not random... they are all song titles that somehow apply. For example, today's title is a depeche mode song that my friend Audrey loves and I happened to have on my mp3 player. Oh yeah, and I rarely use anyones real name, so that if some of my other friends find me here, they wont know who I am talking about... crazy I know, but that's just me ;)

Until later... CJ

Owner of a lonely heart

Sometimes, relationships seriously suck. And when I am reminded of how they can be so bad, it makes me happy that I am not in one right now. Case in point, I have a friend, we'll call her C, who is married to this guy named N. These two were a wrong fit from day one. Seriously, she deserves far better than him, and still she totally adores him. He treats her like dirt, doesnt respect her at all, and it's like she is just blind to all of this.

So, tonight she came over and cried on my shoulder for a while basically bitching about how he isnt working and she is paying all the bills and she wants to leave him. I took all of this with a grain of salt, because i know tomorrow she will change her mind and think she cant live without him again. GRRRR it's frustrating! And WHY do my friends think that I am the God of relationship advice? Hello! Single here... AGAIN... although that is partially by choice. All the good guys are taken it seems. Eh, it's all good...


well it's 2am so i think i should sleep or try to at least. If I cant sleep maybe I will think of something interesting to write. If not, oh well :)

CJ

Change (Will Do You Good)

I must be insane, but I woke up at 430 this morning, then went to the gym. Actually it was cool, set my tone for the rest of the day and totally got me in a good mood. Then I went to Starbucks, where the guy that has been waiting on me all the time for the past 2 years told me I was looking good. Talk about an ego boost!!! it helps that the guy was totally hot.

Work is going good, although sometimes I seriously need a break. I was bombared with emails all morning. But the cool thing is since they all go to my phone, I was able to work while shopping at the mall. Speaking of shopping, I got some kick ass DKNY t shirts and jeans today, at 70% OFF!!! What surprised me though, was that the original retail on the jeans was 145.00... that just astounds me that clothes are getting to cost so much. All in all though it was a good morning.

I also went to the doctor to get my blood test results, an I got a clean bill of health, so that is definitely a plus.

As far as weekend plans go, I dont really have any. I have a project that I need to work on for work this weekend, but I think that tonight I might go out dancing. Even if I cant find anyone to go with, that's okay. I just feel the need to go out and socialize and of course dance my ass off! Strange that I am even considering going out by myself, when months ago I always had to have somebody with me. Well, it just goes to show how much people change. And that, is DEFINITELY a good thing!

The First Cut Is The Deepest

It's a totally random wednesday night for me. I was thinking of going out with some friends, but then they couldnt make up their minds what they were doing, so I stayed home instead. I just felt like having a night where I keep myself company.

So what exciting things did I do tonight? well, I caught up on some work emails, downloaded some music, then proceeded to dance around my house in my underwear while organizing stuff. Oh, and did I mention that they are Armani underwear? yep, I can now buy underwear in xl, so I might as well wear the good stuff! :D Yeah, I know a funny image, but I was in a good mood, so why not?? You know, sometimes being alone is okay. seriously. Speaking of alone, I have decided that while I may be single, I am not alone. I have some really awesome friends that really care about me. Unfortunately I also have some friends that I seriously doubt their loyalty. Maybe it's time to just cut those people out of my life and move on. It's hard though.

So, not going to get down, because I am still in a pretty decent mood. I talked to X earlier today, and even he couldnt ruin my mood. Speaking of him, I seriously think the guy needs to be on some Prozac or something, because he has ISSUES! I think he might have multiple personalities. One minute he is totally ignoring me and blowing me off, then when I dont call him for 3 days he has to call and make sure I am alive. W T F??? I am SO glad I didnt pursue anything permanent with him bceause I have enough issues that I do not need to deal with a guy who has no clue what he wants and has a chronic case of Peter Pan syndrome. And honestly, I dont need a man in my life right now, at least not a permanent commitment. I have friends, and if I dont want to be tied down right now.

Wow, rambling again. Anyways, it is almost 11pm and I am so wide awake, so I think I am going to do something constructive like watch a movie LOL

Until Later

CJ